Missed Opportunities
by little Alex
Summary: Sometimes it's better to be dead. Femslash -- don't ask.


Date: 20/11/04

Disclaimer: Not mine, yadda ya.

Pairing: Becca/Katie (the two teenage girls at the beginning)

Story Notes: Beta'd by a lovely person who wished to remain nameless. Nonetheless, thank you much. All remaining mistakes are mine.

*****

Sometimes it's better to be dead.

All snuggled up in her blankets, Becca rubbed the oak bed frame with a finger, mapping the soft, warm wood, feeling its texture. After so many years of use, the wood had become smooth, but even through the lacquer, she could still find and follow the little grooves with her fingers.

Her dad was sitting on the edge of her bed, talking, but she wasn't paying attention. Some of his words still penetrated. "Dr. Johnson...recuperate...home."

Home.... She supposed she was home. The room *was* where her room should be, but even with just a cursory look, she already saw that the room -- with the sole exception of her bed -- looked nothing like hers. And lying in the bed she had slept in for sixteen years, soft and warm as it was, felt all weird. After another minute of groove-tracing, she finally realised why her own bed felt like someone else's.

She couldn't see the photo of Katie and her that was always on her nightstand. In fact, she couldn't see her nightstand at all. Her glance combed the darkened room, trying to locate the one possession she still cared about, but it was simply gone. She wanted to get out of bed to look for it, but that short distance from her bed to the shelves on the wall seemed like a never-ending stretch. Curling up into a tighter ball, she pulled her hand back from the bed frame and wrapped her arms around her knees. 'Katie?' she whispered in her mind.

She must have said it aloud, too, because her dad put his hand on her shoulder and started talking again. "Honey, your mom...very sorry...Dr. Johnson...you shouldn't...anything...reminds...of, your friend...." She wondered if her dad was really talking to her, because his voice got lower and lower as he went on, until she finally couldn't hear him at all. He stroked a strand of her hair back into place and took another glance of her room.

"He said...best...replace...with...from...childhood," he murmured and stood up. Pacing around her room, he picked up various toys from her childhood and then put all of them back onto their shelves and boxes. Finally he grabbed her teddy bear off her bookshelf -- or what used to be her bookshelf. He tucked it in right next to her and pulled up the covers. "Here, honey. Rupert will help you sleep." He kissed her forehead like he hadn't for so long and her hand suddenly clutched his shirt.

Smiling, her dad covered it with his own hand. "Yes, honey?"

"Everything," she said, swallowing, "will be fine, okay?"

Her father closed his eyes for a moment, exhaling deeply. When he opened his eyes again, the pain in his eyes was almost too terrible, but his soft smile stayed real. "Yes, it will be." He kissed her forehead again and stood up. After taking one last look at her, he walked away from the bed.

The room turned dark again and she heard the soft click of a door's closing. Rocking herself, she stared at where her TV used to be and wondered. Right after what happened, she would scream and wail every time she saw a TV, but lately she had just gone mute and simply let the orderlies and nurses block it with a screen. The hospital had apparently thought it was an improvement and finally decided to let her go.

Still facing in the direction of the non-existent TV, she finally drifted off to sleep.

*****

People always said that high school would change your life. In Becca's case, the adage seemed to be holding true. Just one day at the mall like any other, and it turned her life completely upside-down.

She had always loved her life, mostly due to its being virtually perfect. Her parents doted on her, their only child, and she had the most perfect best friend in the world. Having met in third grade when her family moved to Seattle, she and Katie had grown up together, somehow always ending up in the same classes in school.

Ever since they were kids, Becca had known everyone thought Katie was prettier of the two. Sometimes she even agreed with them. Katie, with her delicate features and playful attitude, would always look like the innocent little girl she definitely wasn't. But they were in high school now, and everyone knew that no matter how innocent you look, half of America's teenage population would have had sex before the end of freshman year.

A week into school, on the day after their parents granted permission for them to go to the mall with their older schoolmates, Becca and Katie went to the shopping mall straight after school, still in their school uniforms. Arm in arm, just like they always had in school, they were window-shopping in front of Macy's when someone from the group of boys by the fountain whistled loudly at them. Too used to people's ridicule at their uniforms, they barely turned their heads, but the boys, apparently unsatisfied by the lack of reaction, tried again.

"Lezzies!"

Her mouth thinning into a moue, Katie shook off Becca's hand and turned sharply around, her mouth now a sweet and perfect smile. Becca whispered "Oh-oh!" to herself as she watched Katie saunter over to the boy in question. Katie's standing right in front of them apparently rendered the still-seated boys speechless, because they simply stared at her chest, their Adam's apples bobbing comically.

Katie extended her hand and let it rest lightly on the boy's cheek, her whisper just loud enough for everyone else to hear. "Just because I like her better doesn't mean we're lesbians, darling; it just means you aren't man enough for us." And after blowing him a kiss, she about-faced just as sharply, her skirt twirling, and re-joined Becca, who was giggling so hard that she had to put one hand on the wall to support herself. Finally they composed themselves and strode off, shoulders straight and chins high.

When they reached Katie's house, they ran up to Katie's room, shut the door, and laughed over the idea that they could be lesbians until dinner. That night, staying over like she had originally planned, Becca lay quietly beside Katie in the queen-sized bed and couldn't sleep. Lesbians! People usually assumed they were sisters, not lesbos! But they hadn't been mistaken for sisters for so long, not since Becca's hair turned dark when she was ten.

Tired with all her useless supposing, she finally just sat up and leaned over Katie, all ready to...to something, when Katie blinked open her eyes and stared somewhat unfocusedly up into Becca's eyes. Their mouths just a bare inch apart, Becca froze and stared back into Katie's doe-brown eyes. Katie closed her eyes, shook her head a little and opened them again, and this time, her sharply-focused gaze locked with Becca's. One of them giggled, Becca didn't know who, and then Katie raised her head a little and pressed a quick, chaste kiss onto the corner of Becca's mouth.

"Go back to sleep," Katie murmured and turned sideways, effectively forcing Becca back to her side of the bed. And Katie, of course, seemed to be taking her own advice, for her body stilled and the sounds of her breathing soon evened out.

Staring at the ceiling, Becca suddenly felt like she was in one of the silly Babysitters' Club novels, plagued by insomnia because of some weird moral dilemma. Actually, if it *was* a moral dilemma, she could have at least asked her parents' advice; now she had no idea who to turn to when your best friend kissed you like it was no big deal.

She wanted to talk to someone, an adult that no one else knew. She heard that in a public high school, some of the counsellors would actually be nice enough and cool enough to talk to, but even the dumbest kid knew that talking to a nun about lesbian kisses would be a big no-no, and Becca the straight-A student was hardly dumb.

Maybe Katie was right to act like it was no big deal, because it *was* no big deal. Katie was probably just treating her like a sister. Sisters kissed each other on the corners of their mouths all the time on TV, didn't they? But sisters probably didn't get all flushed when kissing each other on the mou-- corners of their mouths. No, no, it was hot tonight and of course Becca would feel flushed. It was No. Big. Deal.

Forcing herself to close her eyes, eventually Becca did fall asleep, but the image of Katie's face still lingered on behind her closed eyelids.

The next morning when Becca woke up, Katie was already up and running, bitching over the fact that they would be late. Becca knew she had dreamed, but of what she couldn't remember; she only knew that she was happy in the dream and that she had never felt such an odd, tingling sensation all over her body before.

Only now, her heart pounded whenever she saw Katie and her pink, glossy mouth. Becca could still feel those warm, pliant lips on her own mouth, tasting of the mint toothpaste that Katie always used. Everything had changed, yet nothing had. Katie would still put her arm through the crook of Becca's arm whenever they were walking together, and whenever they were standing next to each other, one of them would still slip her arms around the other from behind and rest her chin on the other's shoulder. Only now, Becca felt a hot rush whenever their bodies touched; just the soft weight of Katie's fingertips on Becca's hand was enough to send Becca into shivers.

She didn't think she could stand another moment of it and decided to talk to Katie about it after Katie's birthday party a week later.

Becca, as the official best friend, had been put in charge of throwing the surprise party -- in Katie's own house, no less -- since a month ago. She had invited a bunch of girls from school, including Sarah Gibson, whose brother Josh was on Washington High's football team. Freshman girls from an all-girl school landing football players -- everyone at school would be so envious. Problem was, of course, Becca wasn't even sure she cared anymore, but she spent weeks making this happen and she was hardly going to stop now.

The day came too soon and she knew everything would go wrong.

*****

The first thing she noticed was Katie's staring at the TV. Katie was standing there, frozen, and Becca took a step, one step, to shake Katie out of it and saw that thing.

It was creeping out of the TV and toward Katie.

The sight froze her as effectively as it had Katie. She wanted to move, wanted to throw herself in front of Katie, wanted to run downstairs and call 911 (though she instinctively knew the cops couldn't do anything about this), but she couldn't even close her eyes. Bile rose from her stomach and she knew that if she could move, she would be throwing up tonight's pizza, but the thing had stopped her from even that. It was like the thing wanted her to just stand there and watch.

Step by agonizing step it walked toward Katie. No, not walking, more like crawling but still staying upright. Streams of water followed it out of the TV and onto the bedroom floor. The absurd thought that Mrs. Embry would be so unhappy about the ruined carpet flashed through Becca's mind.

"Nooooo!" she screamed, but nothing came out. Her mouth couldn't moved, but she could hear herself oh so clearly in her own head. And then she finally managed to blink and suddenly it was her standing there, mouth frozen in a silent cry, and the hair of that thing moving awkwardly but steadily toward her was turning into a dirty blonde.

She screamed herself awake, only then realizing that her wordless cry had turned into a sob of "Katie, I didn't!" A few seconds later, both her parents bolted into her room and rushed to her bed, holding her so tightly that she almost couldn't breathe.

Yes, she nodded, when they told her that she was at home, safe, that they would never let anything happen to her again. Yes, she understood that, she understood that they loved her and they would do so forever. No, she didn't need either of them to stay in her room with her and yes, she would be fine and she *would* just call for them if she needed anything.

"Go back," she finally murmured, "to bed."

Her parents looked at her doubtfully, both glancing down and then right back up. She followed their glance and saw that she was still clutching their hands. She let go immediately and gazed at her parents again. A look passed between the two adults, but still they each kissed her on the forehead. She forced a smile and nodded encouragingly at them, and they finally went away.

*****

Or perhaps wrong wasn't the best word to describe it, since everything actually went eerily perfect.

The cake was gorgeous, the decorations were beautiful, and Mr. and Mrs. Embry not only helped, they also agreed to an un-chaperoned slumber party (provided that the boys would leave before ten). When they finally brought Katie back to her own house after spending two hours at the mall, Katie's acting skills had improved so much that she looked genuinely surprised. The first two hours of the party were a blast and of course everyone loved the cake.

But Becca knew something was about to happen and the grown-ups' leaving didn't help her sense of dread.

Everyone waited until the grown-ups cleared the driveway before giving a happy cheer. The noise suddenly got noisier and Josh's friend -- what was his name? Oh, yes, Eric -- went to his car to get the beers. Becca didn't want any alcohol, but assumed that no one would come to the party without it. She wondered how angry Mrs. Embry would be if she knew the brownies Becca had been baking all day were all spiked.

But even with all the illegal substances, she still couldn't think of any games other than Spin-the-Bottle and Truth-or-Dare. With luck, everyone would be too high to notice how lame the games were, especially when they had all been playing them since sixth grade.

After the great shuffle in and out of the house, getting all the necessary items, they all sat down again, in a circle with Katie as its head. Becca sat on the right of Katie, like she always did, and the drop-dead gorgeous Josh from Washington High was on Katie's left. Katie started the first round, of course, and ended up pressing a very fleeting kiss on Sarah's mouth. The 2nd round had Josh pecking the corner of Becca's mouth. And it went on in a blur until it was Becca's turn, which gave her another chance to kiss Katie.

She was going to just give Katie a quick buss on the mouth, but the moment their lips touched, the peck turned into a proper kiss. Soft and sweet, but long enough that there was no mistaking her intention. She pressed the tip of her tongue onto Katie's lips and they opened under her touch. She finally pulled away when she heard someone's clearing his throat. Everyone was staring at them so intently and all the boys were shifting uncomfortably -- all except the Eric guy, who was sitting on Becca's right.

She giggled and leaned on Eric. "Never seen two girls practiced on each other before?" She slipped her arm into the crook of his and, hoping that she was getting it right just by having studied Katie so much, rested the palm of her hand against Eric's now-scratchy cheek. "You know I'd much rather have you, Eric," she whispered loudly against his ear, saying each syllable of his name softly but clearly.

Katie caught on, of course, and punched Becca on the arm lightly. "You slut! It's supposed to be *my* birthday party and you're getting all the guys!" Everyone laughed and it was Katie's turn again.

By will or accident, the bottle pointed toward Josh when it stopped and, with a grin, the boy complied without further ado. The kiss was long and hard and by the time it ended, everyone knew the game was over. Becca watched the two run upstairs and cursed herself for her horrible timing.

*****

Mornings in her house used to be so cheerful. A full plate of breakfast would be there every morning, complete with milk and orange juice. And her parents, despite their rushing to work, would still squeeze out enough time to listen about her problems.

She hated it. It made her feel all the guiltier for lying about Eric and her plans.

This morning, however, no one was there; she got out of bed too late. A bowl of cereal, a glass of orange juice and a glass of milk, nonetheless, stood dutifully on the table. She gulped down the orange juice and wondered when everyone would get off work.

She sneaked into the living room and sat down onto the couch, facing the brand new Plasma TV. Curling up, she wrapped her arms around her knees and rocked herself back and forth. It was time. She just had to wait a little bit more.

The clock struck 10, the soft chimes of the old grandfather clock hitting ten times. She gasped a shallow breath of air, but nothing much happened. She curled up tighter, still rocking herself, and waited.

Time passed. It felt like a blink of an eye and it felt like forever. Finally the grandfather clock struck eleven. She looked up and stared at the clock. No. No, no, no. God, please don't. "Nooooooooo!" she caught herself wailing. She stopped herself straight away. No, no hysterics. She sat up straight.

Maybe she just had the wrong date or even the wrong time. Being in that mental institution had warped her sense of time, but she had been marking her calendar secretly. Maybe she even had the wrong tape -- but she knew that nightmarish tape whose images she could still see in her mind's eye, frame by frame, had to be the correct one. She wouldn't have destroyed it immediately afterwards if she hadn't been certain. No one else should ever see it.

But then why wasn't it working? She needed to find her Katie and the only way there... But she had never even gotten the phone call. Slowly, she walked to the TV and sat down right in front of the wall below it. Her whole body shaking, she curled up into her little ball again and the slow rocking began once more.

Her face buried in her arms, she only heard the TV's turning on. Sounds of static filled the empty room and something cold and wet was suddenly against her ear. A little girl's voice, halfway between a whisper and a hiss, said, "But you already helped me so much, sending them to me!"

Her whimper turned into a low moan and the screaming in her head began anew.

~~ finis ~~


End file.
